Chronicles of the Cannon: Arsenalia’s Half of a Yellow Sun (Act 1 Scene 6)

Chronicles of the Cannon

Want to know what happened previously on Chronicles of the Cannon Oh Really?

Scene 1Scene 2, Scene 3scene 4, scene 5

Back at the Emiratia, the Duke sat in his chamber perplexed by the onslaught he and his knights had experienced in the past 2 full moons. What went-est wrong? He had conquered many kingdoms and territories before now with the same plots and armoury; had his mind and arms grown weak, was he getting too old?

His knights seemed forlorn, exhausted in body and spirit. What was he to do to regain the respect of the king and the noblemen of Arsenalia? The Baron of Le-grove of the House of Commons was instigating rebellion among the noblemen of Arsenalia; he sought for the Duke to be stripped of his title, for another to take his place.


The noblemen of Arsenalia refer to all Arsenal Fans. Among the House of Commons include barons (Bloggers; they own land aka their blogs) and earls (readers of blogs *wink*) – End of Aside-

Even the other elected noblemen of the House had started to grumble though not publicly, as they still believed that the Duke could somewhat remedy the conundrum in which Arsenalia had found itself.

The Duke decided to change his strategy slightly. This was the age of empires and his was falling apart.

Duke Wenger: Gnarby!

Esquire Gnarby: Yes my Duke!

Duke Wenger: Call a meeting of the Great Council! Make sure the message gets to every abbot (Arsenal fans like the annoying Piers Morgan. Yeah, I know, abbot right? Well, in old England apart from heading monasteries, abbots had great influence on various levels, they had access to royalty. Unfortunately, Piers Morgan’s got more clout than a lot of us do, painful but true. I digress), baron and earl.

And so the meeting of the Great Council was called; and everyone disagreed on everything.

The baron of the barony of 1nil down 2 one up went on about the history of Arsenalia and how he had never seen such a great plunder of our goblet stands in his time.

The baron of North London is Red kept on analysing the matrix under which we were plundered. The baron of P.I.M.P couldn’t get past the size of Lord Giroud’s pendulum and why he could not use it for the betterment of Arsenalia. The barons of Funny Gooner and Invincibles couldn’t believe the Duke forgot to feed ‘the monkey’ with the banana that contained the sleeping pills.

But, everyone agreed on one thing. Duke Wenger had to shake things up by relieving some knights of their duties and spending the gold King Pete gave on more powerful mercenaries, mercenaries worthy of the tile – Knight of the Round Table of the Order of The Cannon.

Lord Szczesny had been left brutally wounded in earlier battles and was therefore unfit to lead the foot soldiers in the battle of Bayern; instead, Lord Lukas the Fabulous took his place. Wenger proposed to recover the pieces of the Chalice Louise the Kaisers had pinched from Emiratia. The plan?  Ambush the Kaisers within their own territory.

Lord Verm the Knight in command of the battalion had come down with a case of ‘he look-eth lost as the ball enter-eth his net’ syndrome, so the Duke called on Lord Artets to carry the shield of the Commander of the battalion while Lord Kosc was to fight in Lord Verm’s position.

And so having somewhat recovered from their loss at the Lock moat against the Scavengers of Tottenham, the knights of Arsenalia travelled to Bayern nestled in the hills of Munich.

The battle was intense. And it seemed the knights had the upper hand.

Lord Giroud: I smite thee Neuer as thou ought to be smiteth! Prendre que vous tenez! (Take that you man!) And no, I will not give you a kiss! And yes I know I am a beautiful man, thank you!

Kaiser Neuer: Nooooo! I bleed, help me! Have mercy Lord Santiiii!

Lord Santi: Not interested…how you say? Dude?

Kaiser Robben huffed and puffed and Kaiser Kroos begged for mercy, writhing on the luscious green grass in the valley below the Munichen Mountains.

But behind in the shadows crept the spy hired by the Kaisers – Pavel Kralovec (the referee over our 2-0 game with Bayern) – his job was creep through the onslaught and slice the knees of the cavalry horses of the Arsenalian army. The bleeding horses slowed down the cavalry greatly so that they were not able to plunder the Kaisers as much as they would have wanted.

However, the battle was almost won; the Kaisers never saw the ambush coming. Lord Kosc was bent over, hyperventilating, exhausted but pleased with the victory when all of a sudden, there’s a shout:

Lord Santi: Lord Kosc! Look ooout! Behind youuu!!

Lord Kosc turned quickly and to see Kaiser Neuer about to cut him down. He dodged the swipe of the Kaiser’s sword and countered his attempted swipe with one of his. Kaiser Neuer lay on the ground gasping for breath.

Kaiser Neuer: You’ll never get the goblet of the Chalice Louise, never!

The Duke attempts to strangle Kaiser Neuer when Lord Santi stops him.

Lord Santi: My Duke, it is lost, lost from our grip, see… (He points to a cloud of dust in the distance)

 In the distance, they see the spy – Pavel Kralovec and Kaiser Gomez make away with the Chalice Louise. Kaiser Neuer has a wry smile on his face…


And the knights started to grow stronger in body and in spirit. And they put the loss of the goblet of the Chalice Louise behind them and journeyed to Swansea, regaining their territory from the swine of Swansea.

Lord Nacho and Lord Gerv the chief of a groovy fore-headed tribe in Africa triumphed in the battle against them. It could only mean positively moving forward for Arsenalia. Hopefully, it could only mean that.


“He spoileth the devices of the crafty, that their hands may not perform their enterprise.”

Far away in the North East, the mercenaries of the Etihad and their Sheik suffered a great loss in the battle against the Evertorians from Everton. This ended the hope of acquiring the Poppadum Le Tuscany (This is the Premier League Title, if you can think of anything more posh, let me know in the comments below *wink*) by the Sheik who had craftily lured the best knights of Arsenalia to the Etihad with promises of bags of gold and belly-dancing video vixens.

The Sheik looked to guillotine mobster Mancini and look for another who could give him the chance to take over Britannia.


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Want to know what happened next? Watch this space…


Copyright© 2013 Mister Spruce

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