Chronicles of the Cannon: Little Ado About A Lot (Prt 1 Sc2)

Click here to know what happened previously on Chronicles of the Cannon Oh Really?

Prt 1 Sc2


And so it was the pandemonium; knights in shining armour fell over themselves as they raced to the palace courtyard in order to rally the troops. The disgust was evident upon the face of King Pete of Arsenalia. Duke Wenger stood by the door of the inner sanctum for a while, deep in thought about his line of attack. Turning to the king, he said:

Duke Wenger: I need-eth ye to trust-eth me on this quest. This is a tribe thy knights can vanquish.

King Pete: Very well.

Meanwhile, back at the province of Old Traffordshire…

The sorcerer stirred his cauldron of Wrigley rubber (chewed and spat out by him), snot (from his pinched nose) and a slice of  a dethroned Vorst’s brain (vorst means prince in Dutch). The brain slice belonged to the dethroned Vorst- van Persie.


How Vorst van Persie became a Scum-Bag (A narration within a narration) Angry

In the year of our Lord two thousand and twelve, the sorcerer Ferguman decided to cause an internal rebellion within Arsenalia. This was after he had cast the spell of upheaval upon the 19 provinces under Arsenalia.  His plan was to completely destroy Arsenalia and so declared.

This was infact an act of revenge by Ferguman. The Duke of Ashburtonshire had won the heart his lady love in a duel many years before.

The henchmen of Old Trafforshire came north to Arsenalia with fire breathing devils. So great were the casualties that Alexander Song the Moor fled to Spain to seek refuge.

The knights and noblemen of Arsenalia stood their ground but the evil had been done. Ferguman had captured Arsenalia’s finest knight Vorst van Persie and cast upon him the spell of the ‘greedy little boy inside me’.

The bewitched Vorst was brought before the sorcerer and stripped of his knightly regalia; the proud heraldry of his rank was torn from his robes so that he was known as the scum rat- Judas is van Persie – ever after.


Back to Ferguman and his boiling cauldron…


Photo Credits|

Ferguman: (Talking to himself) Aaah, we saveth ourselves from ‘vanquishment’ at the hands of Principe Jose and his army. Alas, what vexes me is the impunity by which the Principe’s general Gel-boy Ronaldo took apart my defending henchmen.

When I propose to cast a spell on his feet, he decides to use his helmet, when I propose to reverse it, he uses his feet. Next time I need to cast a spell upon his feet and his gel tube. And the scum rat was practically ineffective…

(The socerer bellows)

Scum bag! Sccccum raaaaat!!!

Judas is van Persie runs in

Judas is van P: Yes thy most atrocious evilness. I am here; ready to do your bidding.

Ferguman: Why?! Thou were practically invisible in the battle against the state of Madrid. Has thou not the slightest idea how much that cost us?! Now they follow our trail seeking revenge and our gold.

Judas is van P: Forgive me for vexing thee your terrible evilness. It shall never happen again.

Ferguman looks upon him with scorn and spits out a Wrigley rubber

Ferguman: It had better not.

In the camp of the minions of Blackburn Chief Appleton speaks to his army

Chief Appleton: Minions of Blackburn!

Minions of Blackburn: Ahooooo!!!

Chief Appleton: We know Sunderlania have not the wherewithal to pay us wages for this great service we are about to embark on therefore, our plan would be to tire out the cavalry and distract the foot soldiers.

While the battle endures, minion Kazim – Richards and friends will creep into the gaps in the wall surrounding the Emiratia and make away with their prized goblet, the Fontaine.Atoi; after the prize is won, we retreat.

Minions of Blackburn: Ahooooo!!!

Back at the gates of the Emiratia…

Duke Wenger: Great men of Arsenalia! Our walls have been breached! I need the cavalry ahead of the foot soldiers.

Cavalry men! Put-eth down their foot soldiers and cavalry men with thy swords! Foot soldiers make sure they have no time to recover!


Lord Rosciky: err… boss; I think we forgot to sharpen our swords.

And for 80 days the battle raged. The knights of Arsenalia fought bravely, pushing back the minions of Blackburn to the border from whence they came.

But as planned, in the heat of the battle, minion Kazim Richards and his thieving friends crept into an opening in the walls, found their way into the treasury and made away with the cup aka the goblet of the Fontaine Antoi.

(Whatever the Fontaine Antoi means, I have no idea; but if you’re smart, you’ll know what I mean-eth *wink*).

Chief Appleton seeing that the prize had been won shouted…

Chief Appleton: Minions! Retreaaat!!!

And the minions of Blackburn turned round and fled. Knights Lord Theo, Lord Santi and Lord Wilshere chased them as far as the Drayton Hills before they gave up, tired and exhausted.

Duke Wenger: What is that strange noise I hear from across the hill?

Lord Wilshere who had keen eyesight climbed to the very top of the hill and looked into the horizon. He saw nothing at first and was about to turn back; it was then he saw the gathering of dust…

Duke Wenger: Lord Wilshere! Why the silence!? Tell us what you see.

Lord Wilshere: It’s the Kaisers of Bayern. They arrive at sunset…


If you want to know what happens next, watch this space.



Monsieur Spruce

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