I, Monsieur Spruce looke-th out from my chambers high up at the Clock End, I beheld the Duke and his men from afar…Alas! what I behold-eth is not good.
Faintly bray’d the battle’s roar,
Distant, down the hollow wind;
Panting terror fled before,
Wounds and death were left behind…
The field, so late the hero’s pride,
Was now with various carnage spread;
And floated with a crimson tide,
That drench’d the dying and the dead!
– The Field of Battle (Anon, May 1794)
The Duke and his knights came back tired and bruised. The journey to Old Trafford held more than was expected. Moisty Moyes had slathered some fungal algae on Shreksome Roo and the rest of his henchmen.
And Judas-is-Van Puss? The Sorcerer Ferguman had taught him well.
Everytime the Duke Wenger and his knights stepped upon the soil of Old Traffordshire, their feet grew heavy and their arms grew weary. It seemed like somehow, the curse of the Sorcerer Ferguman lived after him…
The Sorcerer Ferguman digging the ground at the borders of Old Trfaffordshire; in his company were Randy Giggs and Judas-is-Van Puss…
Randy Giggs: Err… your royal sorcery-ness, why does thou digg-est up trenches around our borders?
Sorcerer Ferguman: *Sarcastically* I’m digging up an orgy for thee and thy brother’s concubine, imp! Goat?!
Judas-is-Van Puss: Yes, your royal evilness?
Sorcerer Ferguman: aah… you learn-th thy new pet name fast. Bring the jinx bag.
And the sorcerer casts his spell…
Knights of Arsenalia and thy Dukey Duke;
As ye step thy feet upon my old man’s puke;
Let thy prowess and power seem like fluke;
Upon Old Traffordshire, fear overtook.
And so it was that everytime the Duke and his knights arrived the borders of Old Traffordshire, this great evil fell upon them. They fell weak and fear overtook them.
*End of Flashback*
Duke Wenger: Count Bouldie, take-th our wounded to the infirmary. I must report to the king at once!
Meanwhile, just down the road from the kingdom of Arsenalia…
The Portuguese Prince Villas of Boas was pacing the room, fuming…
Villas of Boas: Those Geordies! Aaargh! And they say-eth unto me
*mimicking the Geordie accent terribly* “We divn’t nar haw teh pleh” (we don’t know how to play)
Adviser to the Portuguese Prince: Well, err… we could kinda make an excuse for that one like err…all the players decided to grow out their hair so they couldn’t see the tactics board at training?
Villas of Boas: That won’t work with King Scav Levy you idiot!
Adviser to the Portuguese Prince: How about that prankster German Podolski? Let’s put one on him, let’s say he slipped in castor oil into our men’s food flasks.
Villas of Boas: You mean those grown men still carry lunch boxes?
Adviser to the Portuguese Prince: Just saying , my prince, just saying
And King Levy storms in…
King Scav Levy: Villas of Boas! Can YOU explain to me, how we got mugged by those Geordies from up North?! Tell me!!!
Villas of Boas: *Haughtily* That is no way to address a prince of my standing. In my country…
King Scav Levy: Imbecile!!! You are within my walls, within my territory, I shall do whatever I please and whatever I see fit!!!
Adviser to the Portuguese Prince: *whispering* I think he means it my prince.
King Scav Levy: *seething* My monkey… I want my prized pet monkey back. Find him and bring him to me!
Villas of Boas: Err… King Levy, that might be impossible to…
King Scav Levy: It’s either that, or you find a way to catch up with those atrocious Cannon Balls down the road! I give you till the end of the campaign!
King Scav leaves…
Adviser to the Portuguese Prince: Oh dear…
It was some days after that King Chips, Duke Wenger and the Knights sat at the table to feast…
King Chips: Duke of Asburtonshire
Duke Wenger: Yes, my king?
King Chips: I think-est that thy men need-est rest and practise. They have been stretched past the limits any mortal man can bear.
Duke Wenger: I understand this my king. I look forward to putting my men through drills and giving them the much needed rest.
King Chips: Very well. Any news about from the spies Grimandi and Rowley on the search for a new swordsman to help Lords Giroud, Poldi and Walcott?
Duke Wenger: They are working on it
King Chips: Is that all ye can tell me?
Duke Wenger: That is all I can tell thee, ye, they work-eth on it
King Chips: I detest it when ye go all secretive Duke of Ashburtonshire; I hope we can subdue the 19 provinces once and for all
Duke Wenger: If ye do not believe we can do it then we have no chance at all.
King Chips: Very well
Unbeknownst to the guards at the walls of the kingdom Arsenalia, hidden in the bushes lay spies from Southampton…
Spy 1: The knights seem tired, we must attack quickly.
Spy 2: Wonder if the hybrid we purchased from the Celtics is near ready?
Spy 1: I know-est not but, I know we must strike Arsenalia soon.
Spy 2: When do you propose we do?
Spy 1: In 7 days.