Chronicles of The Cannon: The Return of the Dark Ages

Never for once did I think in all mine years since I was ordained Chancellor of the Order of the Cannon that the dark ages will come upon our kingdom again. But, alas, the days before the warrior prince of France was summoned by the late King Pete were upon us once more. Deception… Disgrace… … Read more

Arsenal Chronicles Season3:3: Duke Wenger’s Defeat…

  Thomas, awake! the drum and fife I hear; Unusual sounds! my body quakes with fear! What distant yells are those? A woman’s shriek! ‘Tis no recruiting party’s drunken freak. Fly hence, and leave your mid-day’s cheering dose— The sound of war is hostile to repose. The battle against the Manchurian Mercenaries at the gates … Read more

Chronicles of the Cannon Season 3 Act: Arsenal and Everton

Chronicles of the Cannon Duke Wenger

We travelled to meet the Evertonians on their turf and we sought to take revenge for the plundering of our army the campaign before. 300 men! 300 men we lost that fateful day on the plains of Goodison. We wanted to avenge the blood of our fallen brethren, the knights swore to cut down the … Read more

Chronicles of the Canon: It Begins (Season 3 Act 1)

Victorious Fearless Arsenal FC

Once again I’m seated high up at the Clock End Tower pondering how the campaign of the mighty kingdom of Arsenalia might pan out. The Mancunian Mercenaries under Pellegrini the Inca prince with Chilean roots, rule over Britannia as I write.  The Scousers control parts of the vassal states in the North West but still … Read more

Chronicles of the Cannon Season 2 Act 17: Place This Fire Upon Thy Chest

Victorious Fearless Arsenal FC

  Dwell not upon thy weariness, thy strength shall be according to the measure of thy desire… I, Monsieur Spruce, Chancellor of the Order of the Cannon of the Kingdom of Arsenalia lay ill and bedridden for a fortnight and a day. The fever which came through the bite of the gnat from the land … Read more

Chronicles of the Cannon Season 2 Act 16: All The King’s Men

Arsenal Chronicles

As he ran through the woods, he heard that haunting voice; the voice of a little child.

Arsene Wenger went for top four,

Arsene Wenger had a great fall,

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men,

Couldn’t put Arsene together again…

He tried to escape it but it would not go away.

And then he found himself in the desert plains of Spain, a sand storm coming after him. Next he was escaping from something out off a window.

Dreams. Nightmares.

It was then he saw his adversary, his dark sinister shadow. The One.

The One sent his minions after him, the fishmongers. They flung him into chariots, fireplaces, ornaments; everything. He tried to explain his plight to someone but he saw no one so that no one understood.

Then he saw them coming. They captured him and tied him up, taking him where no man wanted to go – the dungeon of misery.

He saw the Sorcerer Ferguman laughing at his demise…

Duke Wenger: No!!! Noooo…

Duke Wenger: *hyperventilating*That nightmare come-th once more; nay! it come-th every full moon…

The Duke never told anyone about his nightmare, not even Count Bouldie his trusted friend; he didn’t want to seem weak. 

Was he going to lose his Dukedom? Was he going to die in the field of battle?

He shook of the eerie feeling. There as work to be done.

Only days before he and his men all but quenched the insurgence of the Scavengers of Totten-Spud. His foot soldiers and armour bearers had never been so confounded by the incisive attacks of the scavenging cavalry. He and his men were victorious though, that was all that mattered.


Meanwhile up in the hills of I-knoweth-not-where, The One consulted a medium…

The One: Oh Sorceress of Gemotta, what see-st thou in thy magic ball?

Lady Gaga: Sssh… thou disturb-eth the evil spirits  of  confusion and failure arising from the darkest deep.

The One: Forgive-th me thy most horrific wickedness.


Lady Gaga: The spell work-eth. The nightmare hunt-eth him, the Duke, and he is quite troubled. He shall fall at thy hands, him and his men.

The One smiled…



Lord Per: We journey a little down the city of London to the lair of The One. We canst prevail in this campaign if we clipp-eth not his wings.

Lord Poldi: He have-th wings?

Lord Ox: *rolls eyes* Yes, he does have-th wings, and a tail and a pitch fork…silly!

Lord Poldi: He does?

Lord Ox: Aargh! You annoying wombat! He does not! Thou canst smell sarcasm a mile off.

Lord Poldi: Oh?…

The Duke walked in…

Duke Wenger: Today, we meet the Fishmongers of Chelsea once again. They are a formidable force and we must go all out and attack them. Ready yourselves.

Lord Bacary: My Duke, I think we need-eth to make a strong defence to usher in our attack. Remember The One has the willy old Eto’ and the speeders Hazard, Luiz and Schrulle? It may take us a while to recover from sending out the cavalry and make a run back to defend us footmen and armour bearers.

Duke Wenger: I have full faith in the legs of Lord Carzola, Giroud and Ox. This shall not be a burden to us.

So they travelled to the lair of the Tsar, Stamford Bridge to do battle with The One and his men…

He was expecting them.

And the battle was won even before it started. The One divided his cavalry in two sets so that while the Arsenalian cavalry attacked the foot soldiers of The One, the Arsenalian footsoldiers and armour bearers were already plundered before the Duke and his cavalry could return to bolster their efforts out back. 

Duke Wenger saw the bodies of his men littered across the plains of Chelsea and he and what was left of his men fled.

When they arrived the palace Emiratia, the knights exhausted and wounded lay in the courtyard for the physicians to heal their wounded bodies as the infirmary full.

And then he heard the voice again, this time, he was wide awake. He froze.

Lord Giroud: What is it my Duke? You seem pale.

Duke Wenger: I can hear him. It’s that child from my nightmares…

Count Bouldie and the knights: What nightmares?

Duke Wenger: I can hear him. *Breaks into a sweat* I can hear him!

Arsene Wenger went for top four,

Arsene Wenger had a great fall…


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Chronicles of the Canon Season 2 Act 15: We’ve Been Tricked!

Football Satire and Humour

And The One worked on his ‘To-Do List’. He met with an apprentice of the Sorcerer Ferguman Howard ‘Wayward’ Web and after much deliberation, Wayward Webb agreed to send one of his minions Michael Jones to the battle of Le Britannia. Unbeknownst to the Duke and his knights, Michael Jones  put a hex on the battle … Read more

Arsenal Chronicles Season 2 Act 14: Overcoming The Darkness

Sports Satire, Arsenal Story

In the beginning was Arsenalia, before the rest of the kingdoms in Britannia became. And without Arsenalia was not any kingdom made that was made. In the Duke of Ashburtonshire was the tactic of harmonious offensive warfare, and it shone throughout the continent of  Britannia. And the darkness, The New Evil comprehended it not. _____ … Read more