In the beginning was Arsenalia,
before the rest of the kingdoms in Britannia became.
And without Arsenalia was not any kingdom made that was made.
In the Duke of Ashburtonshire was the tactic of harmonious offensive warfare,
and it shone throughout the continent of Britannia.
And the darkness, The New Evil comprehended it not.
And Lord of the Ox said in his heart…
Lord Oxlade: Arsenalia shall perish one day by the hand of Brendan the Barbarian. Our knights were only able to reach a truce with Moist Moyes and the Henchmen of Old Traffordshire. There is nothing better for me than that I should speedily face this Kraken from Liverpool before it vanquishes us all.
So, the Lord of the Ox took up his shield and sword; he was ready to start his journey to Liver-puke (Liverpool). Suddenly, he heard Lord Podolski call his name…
Lord Podolski: Lord of the Ox, where go-est thou?
Lord Oxlade: Go-eth I to vanquish the Kraken from Liverpool.
Lord Podolski: On thy own? With thy bare hands?
Lord Oxlade: I have-th with me my shield and sword.
Lord Podolski: Idiot. Thou cannot face the kraken with mere human hands or strength! You will be Hors d’oeuvre for the gluttonous monster!
Lord Oxlade: What shall we then do? Word reached the Duke that the Liver-pukean Kraken approach-eth the city of London by way of the Thames.
Lord Podolski: What?!!! Nooo! We have to do something. Fast. Podolski think! Think!
Lord Oxlade hyperventilates and then he sees Lords Fabianski and the Moor Lord Sanogo approaching…
Lord Fabianski: Thou look-eth troubled Lord of the Ox, what ponder-eth thou upon?
Lord Oxlade: The Kraken approach-eth the city of London by way of the Thames!
Lord Fabianski: Jasna cholera! (I was shocked meself! That’s Polish for ‘Holy Shit!’)
Lord Podolski: I have a plan. But we must steal something…I mean, we must steal someone.
Lords Sanogo, Fabianski & Oxlade: Steal someone?!
Lord Podolski: Yes, we must steal the Henchman Fellaini.
Lords Fabanski, Sanogo & Oxlade: What?! Why? How?
Lord Podolski: Look, we must act fast. The henchman Fellaini is being nursed back to health in the home of a fair maiden on Twiddle-dee-doo Street off Downing Street. Legend has it that when the henchman is feeling poorly, all his power goes to his hair and bushy eyebrows; this, my friends can turn anything to stone.
Lord Sanogo: You’re joking right?
Lord Podolski: I’m afraid not.
Lord Oxlade: I have heard of this legend but I hear it happens only in the year he changes allegiance.
Lord Fabiansky: Well, he change-th allegiance this year so I guess we could try it. One question though, do we get to return him to his fair maiden?
And so they went to Twiddle-dee-doo Street and waited till it was dark. By this time, they could hear the growl of the Kraken from afar off. And while the fair maiden went for a bath, the four brave knights stole the naked henchman Fellaini from his bed.
Henchman Fellaini: Heeelp!
Lord Fabianski: Shush! or I’ll cut off your head and use it without your body attached!
They made their way to the top of St. Paul’s Cathedral and there they saw the kraken rise from the waters, ready to destroy the city of London and all that was in it.
Lord Oxlade: Stop there you marauding beast!
Lord Podolski: We fight you not with sword and shield but the power within the hair and brows of the Belgian Moroccan Fellaini!
And at the sight of Fellaini’s hair and eyebrows, the kraken from Liverpool turned into stone.
The Duke was mighty proud of his four brave knights and he gave them shiny new swords from Lanvin on behalf of all of Arsenalia; he also made sure they returned the naked Fellaini whose hair was by now fried and zapped of all energy.
But, there were still many battles to fight.
And in the coming days they faced the Kaisers of Bayern Munichen; there they fell at the hands of the grand master Kaiser Pep Guardiola and his men.
And then the Duke and his knights went on to face the Sods of Sunderland, and they triumphed over them the Sods with Lords Rosicky, Koscielny and Giroud slaying four thousand men.
But in the darkness that lay inside old castle of the Russian Tsar, in the lair of The One, a band of naysayers held counsel.
Naysayer 1: Oh The One! Thou art yet to discomfit the Duke of Ashburtonshire and his knights. Why is this?
The One: The Duke is a failure! He can only bark but cannot bite. We shall crush him soon enough.
Naysayer 2: The books show that he is the only one that remains out of your old enemies in Britannia, one would have thought you would vanquish him by now.
The One: Patience, patience my friends, they say the lady is a virtue.
Naysayer 3: True, true, she’s friends with Lady Luck.
The One knew there was work to be done and so he wrote on his To Do List…
To Do List
Task 1: Bring down the Duke.