And it came to pass in the days of Wenger Duke of Ashburtonshire, that the ‘The One’ of the Fishmongers of Chelsea, Brendan the Barbarian of the kingdom of Liver-puke, the Sheiks of Persia with their Mancunian mercenaries and the Scavenging Scavengers of Totten-Spuds made war with the Kingdom of Arsenalia.
Well, not exactly war.
The truth is, these kingdoms sought to control the whole of Britannia.
Every. Single. Part.
Eight years Arsenalia answered to the Sorcerer Ferguman of Old Traffordshire, and in the ninth year they rebelled.
And the strength of the Duke and his knights waxed strong and they crushed many kingdoms that had hitherto spurned their rule…
Duke Wenger: Now that we hath conquered the kingdom of Coventry, we are one step further into our acquisition of the goblet of the Fontain Atoi.
Lord Koscielny: Yes my Duke. This would not have been but for the bravery of Lords Giroud, Carzola and Podolski.
Duke Wenger: Yes, yes. His Royal Crispiness King Chips ask-eth that I retain-eth the services of Lords Per, Rosicky and Bacary; we need-eth those brave knights if we are to control all of Britannia.
Enter Esquire Akpom…
Esquire Akpom: My Duke, the king asks that thee and thy knights leave for the kingdom of the Dockers of Southampton. The Dockers are to pay tribute to the kingdom of Arsenalia.
Lord Koscielny: That should be a simple task. We shalt smite them as we did the kingdom of Coventry. Easy-peasy!
Esquire Akpom: Also, the rumours are rife in the kingdom that a certain unidentified Germanian may-eth be in the Duke’s ranks in the near future. Give-th me a word my Duke to give to the noblemen of Arsenalia.
Duke Wenger: Tell them that may-est be possible albeit the possibility is not quite yet established.
Esquire Akpom: That means a certain Germanian might be in the offing but not quite?
Duke Wenger: Germanian? What Germanian?
Esquire Akpom: Huh? But you just said…
Duke Wenger: Lord Koscielny, tell Lord Per to get the knights ready, we leave to Southampton now.
Esquire Akpom: But, but…
Lord Koscielny: Ssshh… never play riddle-me-this with the Duke.
And so the Duke and his men sailed to Southampton but alas, they could not penetrate the walls of the Dockers. Lords Giroud and Carzola released the cannons on the walls but the walls seemed impregnable.
DukeWenger: Tis no use, we use-th up all of our fire power and their fortified walls refuse-th to crumble.
Lord Bacary: What then shall we do my Duke? If we do not make these Dockers of Southampton pay tribute, we shall be overtaken by our rival kingdoms.
Duke Wenger: I know-eth this, we can only hope that it doesn’t happen. Let’s return from whence we came.
Meanwhile, there was a great massacre in the North of London, in the kingdom of the scavengers not far from the kingdom of Arsenalia. The Sheiks of Persia and their mercenaries had all but raised the palace of the Hart Lane to the ground. The stench of burnt flesh filled the air…
Sheik Al Mantur: Kompany!
Kompany: Yes, Oh prince of Abu Dhabi.
Sheik Al Mantur: Gather the bodies, you and the Chili Pellegrini
Kompany: It’s Chilean oh prince, the Captain of your army is from Chile.
Sheik Al Mantur: Whatever! Let my gold decide that!
Kompany: As you wish oh prince.
Sheik Alibaba Mantur: We crush the kingdom of Arsenalia next!
Kun: But, the stars and the times have not decided that yet. Ye know-est battles are not picked on a whim in Britannia.
Sheik Alibaba Mantur: I say we fight!!!
Sheik Al Mantur: Brother, let us wait till the circles of life and stars say we fight these Arsenalians and their Duke.
Sheik Alibaba Mantur: I care-th not! We go, we fight and we take over this foreign continent of infidels!!!
Sheik Al Mantur: But, brother…
Sheik Alibaba: Speak no more! Kompany, tell me the situation of things!
Kompany: Jesus and Joe just…
Sheik Alibaba: Jesus and Joe? Are they, how you say? Twins?
Kompany: No, oh prince, they are not. Jesus and Joe have come back with report that the Duke and his knight just arrive-th from battle in Southampton.
Sheik Alibaba: Good! They shall be weary and we shall plunder them! We shall not need to fight, a small tete-a-tete and they shall surrender. Let us advance!
And so it was in the scene below… OR, watch it here
Sheik Al Mansur: Brother! Noooooo…!!!
And when the Mancunian Mercenaries and the Sheik saw this, they attacked the Duke and his knights but they could not comprehend the majestic walls of the kingdom.
So, they retreated; the Sheik to bury his brother and the Captain Pellegrini to restrategize.
The Sheik was grieved. Pellegrini knew this.
He had to conquer all of Britannia for the gold laden Sheik; failure to do this could mean banishment, even worse, death.