Down in the changing room at the Armoury in the palace Emiratia, Count Bouldie fit the newly knighted Lord Öz in his shiny new armour.
Count Bouldie: You looketh becoming in your new armour Lord Öz of Germania, may you slay a thousand Sunderlanian men today.
Lord Öz: Danke (‘Thank you’ in German)
They both hear shouts from the cobblestoned pathway of Hornsey…
Shouts: Oziiiil, the Duke and the knights await thee, the journey to Sunderlania commence-th.
It was Lord Poldi and Lord Per, still wrapped in gauze and bandages but strong enough to carry out menial tasks such as screaming incessantly, hiding the Bishop Gazidis’ spyglass and wooing the young fair maidens of Arsenalia.
Lord Öz: Ich Komme! (‘I’m coming!’ in German)
Lord Poldi to Lord Per: I think it’s time we taught that hobo some English, we don’t need him looking confused when we shout “Run for your lives!”
Lord Per: Or “hide Lord Artets hair mush”*grin*
And so the army of Arsenalia journeyed to Sunderlania and there they met with the Sods. The battle began. And it was Lord Giroud (with the help of Lord Öz) who struck first, drawing first blood.
Lord Öz: Hier! Nehmen Sie den Dolch! (‘Here! Take the dagger!’ in German)
Lord Giroud: Huh?
Lord Öz: Scheiße (‘Shit’ in German); (In the little English he could speak) Take. This. Kill.
Lord Giroud: Oooh… I see-th… my pleasure!
Sod Altidore threatened the armour bearers of Arsenalia and there was but none casualty. And in the heat of the battle, Lord Ramsey struck two thousand men in quick and the Sods fled. Victory… I hear snickering, does not thou believest me? Ask-eth Lord Ramsey himself!
Down at the Fishmongers of Chelsea…
Steven Hollandia: Oh Special One, I hear our rivals in North London have defeated the Sods of Sunderlania; the Sods pay taxes to them now and…
The Special One: Enough! Aaaaaargh! *fuming* The terrain was supposed to be different; the sorcerer Ferguman is out of the way, the plan was to lay the kingdoms of Britannia to waste! That French prince should be a washed out old man by now! And before you can say spandex-sinking-shenanigans, he goes and brings in that alchemist from Germania!!!
Steve Hollandia: Err… you mean the Duke of Ashburtonshire?
The Special One: I. Never. Call. Him. Duke. I am the one who’s royalty. *fuming* I’m the only one allowed to use the word ‘top, top, top, topitty top quality’!I can’t believe the Ever-truants of Everton, what did that Spaniard do to them?
The Tsar walks in unannounced; silence falls upon the room…
The Tsar from Russia: In Russian – Вы хотите, чтобы держать голову(‘You want to keep your head?’)
The Tsar from Russia: *In a Russian accent* OU VANT KEEP HED!?
The Special One: Yes, yes, sire
The Tsar from Russia: *In a Russian accent* Zen clean zees mass oop. (Then clean this mess up)
The hunt for the goblet of the Chalice Louise had begun. The Duke and his knights had conquered the mercenaries of Marseille with Lord Theo and Ramsey putting two thousand men to the sword.
Many have asked how the quest for the most precious goblet in all of Europia began, well, here’s the story…
The Story behind the Quest of the Chalice Louise (a narrative within a narrative)
The goblet of the Chalice Louise is the most coveted goblet in all of Europia; all the powerful kingdoms seek to have it within their palaces, however, it had been broken in parts due to sheer human greed.
The goblet was protected by the great shaman Pele of the City of the Seven Suns – Rio de Janeiro. However, the hearts of the kings of the powerful kingdoms became evil and desperately wicked.
The Tiki-Taka warriors of Catalonia, the Princes of Madrid, the Mobsters of Milan and the Sorcerer Ferguman leading the Henchmen of Old Traffordshire, each planned to take the goblet for themselves. It was said that whoever was in full possession of the goblet would possess all the riches and power in all of Europia.
The sorcerer arrived first and cast a spell of age upon the shaman Pele before he could jiggle his voodoo whistle sticks and the shaman became an old, old man, never to wield a sword again. Just as the sorcerer Ferguman was about to make away with the goblet, the Tiki-Taka warriors of Catalonia arrived and soon after, the Princes of Madrid; the Mobsters of Milan planned to steal the goblet from the army who secured the Chalice.
A huge battle began over the goblet and as it was thrown from hand to hand, it fell to the ground breaking into 8 pieces. The shaman Pele with the last of his ageing strength cast a voodoo spell upon the goblet, scattering the 8 pieces across Europia. The power hungry kingdoms were to forever battle over these 8 pieces and whoever found all 8 of them could keep the goblet for only 12 full moons, after which all the 8 pieces disappeared across Europe once more for the battle/quest to begin again.
Thank you for reading our Chronicles of the Cannon. Watch this space for the next episode.
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